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Single is so 2010

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This week you can try tango lessons, go rock climbing, have a picnic on the beach, play badminton, or enjoy a round of golf. But only if you’re single. The above are just a taste of activities arranged by members of Swedish dating site Shake My World.

Launched in 2008, it aims to turn traditional online match-making on its head by giving “Sweden’s active singles a more fun single life, full of energy and things to do.” It fulfills all the criteria of a dating site. Fill in your details, what you are looking for and surf the photos for any potential pickings

But for many it’s simply about finding like-minded people to share good times with. One member I know – divorced and with kids – says these days she sees herself as a ‘professional’ single. She’s looking for a bit of a laugh and a flirt rather than long-term romance. Another is a 30 something bachelor who has never been married and isn’t hoping to in the foreseeable future.

She looks happy. She's probably single. Photo: Henrik Trygg/Image Bank Sweden

“Swedes marry less, cohabit more, live in single-person households more, and marry at later ages than the people of any other rich country in the world.” It’s the opening line of a 2008 article in the Scandinavian Review entitled “Modern Sweden: The declining importance of marriage.”

It’s a good read and points to some sociological reasons why this trend has occurred, from gender quality and secularization to the sambo phenomenon – living together without tying the knot.

Indeed, in the last 50 years the number of marriages has gone down while the population and divorce statistics have increased.

But it’s rather more to do with the rising art of being single and happy with it. Indeed, Stockholm is believed to be home to more single people per head of population than any other capital.

Perhaps that’s one contributory factor as to why the phrase ‘särbo’ has come into more common usage of late – being in a relationship but not living together. I’d never heard of it when I moved here eight years ago. But even more compelling is the new expression in town – ‘självbo’.

Literally meaning ‘living alone’ it has been coined by those who want to get rid of the negative connotations surrounding the world single. For this rising Swedish community it’s their chosen way of life.

Christine Demsteader

July 19, 2010

The greatest Swedish love song ever?

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Being more of a high-energy diva than slow-swinging smoocher on the dancefloor means my musical tastes don’t extend to melodies of love. Especially in Swedish.

So after a request for recommendations among my Facebook friends, I’ve compiled a top five list of Swedish love songs. There’s everything from harmonious classics to quirky lyrics but, as for whether they’re really the greatest, I’ll let you be the judge.

Artist: Lisa Nilsson
Song: Himlen Runt Hornet (Heaven’s Around the Corner) 1992
What it’s about: Sick and fed up of being single and then realizing that love was right in front of your eyes. You’ve waited patiently and, not before time, met the one and know you’ll never be alone again.

Artist: Håkan Hellström
Song: Jag hatar att jag älskar dig och jag älskar dig så mycket att jag hatar mig (I hate that I love you and I love you so much that I hate myself) 2006
What it’s about: Still being in love with an ex who has moved on and is completely over you. You realize breaking up was a big mistake and now your friends are telling you to move on because your getting rather obsessed about it.

Artist: Tomas Ledin
Song: I natt är jag din (Tonight I’m Yours) 1977
What it’s about: A no-nonsense message to pull down the blinds and get ready for a night of passion. Quite frankly we’ve done enough talking now and I’m ready to “offer you my body on a silver platter.”

Artist: Cecilia Vennersten
Song: Den Vackraste (The Most Beautiful) 1995
What it’s about: Watching over your loved one while they are sleeping peacefully and coming to the conclusion that your love for them, their love for you and your love for one another is the most beautiful thing you know. They obviously don’t snore then.

Artist: Ulf Lundell
Song. Öppna landskap (Open Landscapes) 1982
What it’s about: The joker in the pack, this epic is a tribute to the Swedes’ love of nature. They’re at their happiest in the freedom and tranquillity of the outdoors, by the ocean and while making homemade schnapps. I suppose it makes a change from being content to have your loved one by your side.

Christine Demsteader

July 17, 2010

A letter says more than a thousand texts

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This morning a letter was waiting for me. Not in the post box but right in the middle of my living room floor. Precisely so I couldn’t miss it. It was some late night scribbles my sambo had lovingly written for me.

It’s not the first time. I’ll often find a note on the kitchen table that’s more than a mere shopping list. A hand-written card is an extra-special treat if he’s going away. And once he dedicated a poem to me that was published on the web.

Then there’s my least favourite means of romantic correspondence – when he delves into my make up bag, manages to locate my most expensive lipstick and proceeds to draw love hearts on the bathroom mirror with it. Yet, I still polish it off with a smile rather than a pout.

And that’s because it breathes new life into the widely-held belief that the art of hand-written communication is dying out in the digital world we live in. Well, almost.

Call me old fashioned but let us not forget the feeling of anticipation and excitement when opening an envelope from an admirer. While pen was put to paper, careful consideration went into those chosen words. The sentiments took time to write and can be kept forever.

Compare that to one of today’s preferred means of communication – the text message or SMS. “Thx 4 B ing U. Luv U” doesn’t quite cut it for me. It’s a throw away remark, produced, received and read in seconds. That’s without mentioning my contempt for poor grammar.

The technologically sound Swedes are world leaders in text messaging. Practically, yes I do like the convenience of buying bus tickets with my phone, but personally I’d prefer someone to call and tell me they’re cancelling our dinner date with half a day’s notice.

Keen to maintain their position at the top of the global SMS league, a national competition even allows Swedes to keep their fingers and thumbs nimble.

Swedes and love letters, however, do have a contentious history to share. Written exchanges between Greta Garbo and fellow Swedish actress Mimi Pollack were published in 2005.

The book Djävla Älskade Unge (Bloody Beloved Kid) is a first-hand exposé of their affair during the 1920’s and bi-sexuality, which had largely remained secret.

Earlier this year, 78-year old Swede Gunilla von Post auctioned her collection of love letters and telegrams from John F. Kennedy in the 1950s. For a pricey sum they revealed a passionate fling and his infidelity before becoming US President.

To end this note on a good one, there is the beautiful tale told by Prince Daniel at his wedding to Crown Princess Victoria this year. Before leaving for a month-long official duty overseas, the princess chose to stay up all evening rather than catch up on some sleep. In the morning he found 30 hand-written letters addressed to him – one for every day they would be parted.

A romantic act as such cannot be deleted from memory with a push of a button.

Christine Demsteader

July 15, 2010

The P word

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Would it be anything but a cliché that almost halfway through writing a month-long blog on the theme of love, something extraordinary would happen?

At this point I should add this post comes with a warning: read at your romantic peril – it could get rather mushy.

This something is what I have long wished for, hoped for and dreamed about. The P word. It’s happened.

No, I’m not pregnant. He proposed. I said yes. Then I cried. Then I smiled. And as I type now I can’t help but focus my attention on the sparkling ring adorning my finger.

After the question was popped, I proudly spent the rest of the day showing it off, proving I could be ambidextrous and do everything left-handed whilst my right side remained lame.

The evidence: trying hard to keep a low profile amid city center celebrations

Engagement, getting hitched, living happily every after – it’s a subject that I have brought up in various guises with my partner before.

He may have missed my passing glances at jewellery shop windows, a teary eye during my best friend’s big day or the sight of me flicking through the pages of bridal magazines at the hairdressers.

He certainly hasn’t missed my more direct advances, having asked him to marry me on a number of occasions.

Admittedly, it was a bit of fun. I’d casually drop it into conversation on the bus, over the breakfast table, or while he was doing the washing up. I’m pushing 34 and never been asked. Surely, it was worth a try?

But the only response I got was silence. He made it clear it was his job to do the asking – it’s the Swedish way he said.  I disagreed with his sentiments but waited patiently and the proposal took place on a recent trip to my birthplace, the city of Hull on the northeast coast of England.

We had taken a walk along the shoreline and completely unexpectedly he did the deed.

He wouldn’t have known that on that very spot, over 100 years ago, thousands of Swedish emigrants landed on English soil – the first leg of their journey on their way to a better life in America.

They had voyaged from Gothenburg – my now fiancé’s home city – and after docking in Hull they would take the train to Liverpool or Southampton where the big ocean liners would greet them.

To me that was rather poignant and very beautiful – a proposal in a place linking both our backgrounds and future together.

Christine Demsteader

July 13, 2010

The language of love

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“Kommer du hit ofta?” It’s a line you may want to learn in case you ever catch yourself in a crowded room, swooning over a Swede. But wait a minute before you start dashing off to boot up Google translate or purchase a pocket dictionary.

First things first, the chances of meeting an attractive Swede are fairly high. Sweden’s reputation as a nation of beautiful people precedes them. I live here. It’s true. And I’m used to it.

After a number of years living here up north – and complete with my own beautiful partner – I no longer feel the need to walk down the street, in constant amazement at the symmetry of chiselled jaw lines.

On that note, my sambo just walked through the door and told me he had been whistled at by a group of teenage girls. It made his day.

You can't really say they're ugly. Photo: Nicho Södling/Image Bank Sweden

A slightly more scientific case in point – but by no means conclusive – is the number of Swedes accepted to the Denmark–based dating website beautifulpeople.com

Applicants are judged on face value alone. They can join if other members deem them attractive enough to mingle with other beautiful singles.

A recent survey found that Swedish men have the highest rate of acceptance to the site. Swedish women also fare well, coming in second place to their stunning Scandinavian sisters in Norway.

All that being said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and seeing is believing. Which is why British dating coach Jeremy Soul ended up moving to Stockholm last year.

We met when I was assigned to write an article, following him and his protégés in action. Their mission was to test techniques to chat up women on the streets of the capital.

I recall he thought Swedish women were some of the most beautiful in the world. They also found him hard to resist, not because he’s tall, blonde-haired and blue-eyed. He isn’t. But he was able to charm them through the language of love. And apparantly, that’s not Swedish.

The fact that Swedes love to converse in the English language and practise with native speakers gave him the upper hand with the opposite sex.

So he never bothered with “kommer du hit ofta?” as an opening line. And his style was far too sophisticated for the English equivalent “do you come here often?”

As for whether the people are really beautiful as they say, I guess you’ll have to pay more regular visits to Sweden to find out.

Christine Demsteader

July 11, 2010