THIS BLOG IS CURRENTLY QUARANTINED DUE TO EXTREMELY CONTAGIOUS FEVER. TEST YOURSELF.
A fever has hit Sweden. (No, not the one I caught last week that turned me into a whimpering, slobbering mess for three days.) I’m talking about the fever of HOLIDAY SPIRIT that has infected all my friends and, inevitably, me. It’s a contagion, I tell you! An epidemic!
It was back in September that I first heard the rumblings of something momentous headed my way. I ignored that creeping sense of unease, however, and continued on in my daily life, unaware that there was an actual date when all these symptoms lurking beneath the surface would converge and erupt in a massive display of HOLIDAY SPIRIT FEVER.
That day came and went. It was November 27, the first Sunday of Advent, a milestone that marks the four weeks of preparation before Christmas. I survived, but was not unscathed—I too now have a dangerous case of HOLIDAY SPIRIT FEVER.
I checked WebMD for answers, but they didn’t have many. Apparently, the United States has a much weaker strain of Holiday Spirit Fever, and most young adults are immunized by a steady stream of television commercials, mall advertisements, and ugly sweater parties. The only dangerous time for a relapse is, as I have seen myself, when two insufficiently immunized adults reproduce. As the brain releases different chemicals in preparation for the baby, both parents become vulnerable to being violently sick with Holiday Spirit Fever.
One year, this poor snowman suddenly experienced the urge to smoke a corncob pipe. He's been a smoker ever since. Another victim of Holiday Spirit Fever. Photo: Kate Wiseman
In this brutal Nordic climate, however, Holiday Spirit Fever is a virulent and fast-spreading epidemic. If you notice yourself covertly fondling Christmas trolls in the grocery store or whipping up a batch of cookies almost without realizing what you’re doing, then it’s time to check yourself for the dreaded Holiday Spirit Fever.
This kind of fever may seem innocuous, but it can have serious repercussions for the average person. You may become inattentive at work, neglect your health, and experience changes in personality. You may also experience breaks with reality that can be disorienting to both yourself and the people around you.
Worst of all, those most severely afflicted by Holiday Spirit Fever may, in fact, become holiday zombies, doomed to wander the earth in search of their next victim. If this happens, the zombie must be eliminated. The only answer at that point, unfortunately, is a sharpened candy cane to the heart.
Warning: The Holiday Spirit Fever is hitting new highs and has almost reached contagion level. TEST YOURSELF.
Back away from the figurines. If they want to be touched, they'll tell you. Photo: Kate Wiseman
The Holiday Spirit Fever Self Test
Note: this test is specially designed for the Swedish strain of the Holiday Spirit Fever.
1. Do you feel an overwhelming desire to decorate, especially within the white-red-green color palette?
2. Look around the room. How many candles do you currently have in the room? If the answer is more than 0, proceed to question 2a.
2a. How many of these candles were newly purchased and arranged with the specific goal of making the room cozy? If the answer is more than 0, proceed to question 2b.
2b. How many of these candles are arranged in groups of four to symbolize the four weeks of Advent?
3. Does the combination of ginger, cloves, and cinnamon mean anything to you?
4. Have you consumed gingerbread at any time and in any form in the past week?
5. Have you bought an Advent Calendar to follow for the 25 days before Christmas?
6. Have you thrown or are you planning on throwing a non-ironic holiday themed party?
7. Have you had any glögg (mulled wine) recently?
8. Have you at any time during the last week gone into a reverie-like state as you describe some part of holidays?
9. Have you listened to holiday music in the last week? If so, proceed to question 9a.
9a. Have you played holiday music for your friends in the last week?
10. Have you said or thought the word “cozy” more than ten times in the last week?
If you answered yes to more than five of the questions above, you may have Holiday Spirit Fever. Unfortunately, the fever is caused by a virus and is currently untreatable by modern medicine. If you suspect that you have Holiday Spirit Fever, the best thing to do is quarantine yourself from the outside world with other afflicted souls. In cases such as these, it’s important to keep your spirits high.
Just look at how nice this is with the candles and the knickknacks and the fancy place settings. It's just not... natural. More victims of Holiday Spirit Fever. Photo: Kate Wiseman
Even if you’re not displaying many of the symptoms for Holiday Spirit Fever, you could be at risk. Be aware of these conditions that can make you vulnerable to a sudden and violent onset of the disease:
1. Having participated in Lucia Day events as a child.
2. Having a natural predilection for gingerbread or saffron.
3. Suppressed pyromania.
4. Recent increased domesticity (aka birth of a child, marriage, etc.)
5. Being far away from home.
6. Watching holiday movies or TV specials.
7. Reading food blogs.
8. A family history of nostalgia.
Be careful out there. It’s a dangerous world, and as one who has been infected, I am here to tell you that Holiday Spirit Fever can strike at any time. So far, I have been happy without reason, prone to over-indulgence of both cookies and mulled wine, and (most worrying of all) experienced an urge to do crafts, which does not end well for me.
Life is tough enough already. Don’t let this happen to you.
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